musicianship- going no where

2010-01-02T10:33:00.000-08:00

Have you ever had this feeling that your not being depressed yet people just keep telling you that you are? Everyone just gets upset from time to time over things that they should face. But seriously, it doesnt meant that they are depressed.

IDK.... i just get very very very annoyed when you people bother about what i do, how i think and whether im upset or not. Why do you even bother to care? It kinda eats me up inside cause I dont want you to care. Im not a weakling, i can take care of myself.. I dont do suicide cause i appreciate my life no matter how much crap ive been through. I dont need you people around me because i have my family. You dont have to feel responsible for anything because its my own life. Stop being nice because i will never appreciate those kindness. Caring is disgusting.

IM FINE... its like having to repeat a million times and they still question "are you sure your okay?" Its annoying and you make me hate you.

Now, dont you feel this way at times?
Do me a favour and just stop caring...

2009-12-31T12:18:00.000-08:00

i feel like im going insanely crazy...
the colour red just reminds me of blood... i wished i had a knife to kill
stab each one of your hearts and let the blood flow out.

i know, i hve sinned. Just by thinking of such things ive sinned..
there's so many things that ive done, which cause me to sin.
still, i really wonder whether i am forgiven spiritually.
i know he loves me, but i am not ready to open up to him yet.
No matter how many times he called out to me i just keep avoiding.
sometimes... i just wish i could just accept him into my life... so that i dont have to run in circles anymore.. so that i know where i am suppose to head to. the purpose of my existence.
yet... i just cant do it..

sigh..
can i just lay down on the greenery?
and declare to myself that ive really really really given up who i really am.
there's no means of persuing who i am anymore.
im nobody who means nothing to somebody..

2009-12-28T21:13:00.000-08:00

I am at a loss for words for the moment. Im so upset... sometimes i wish i was never born on Earth. I questioned the lord about the things that people are doing around me... then i realized i was feeling insecured, that I dont trust my own self and my own capabilities. But how can i trust my own capabilities when they are being stolen from me? How can i even do my best when people use what i am doing, made it better and now, my own work looks like shit! Why do i have to put through other's shit that they have gone through? Risk my own life streak just for others to climb above of me and take advantage. I thought I trusted you. Time after time you stab me so hard in the back but never once ive died. WHY dont you just have a real knife? So that when you should be to stab me, i would be long gone dead. I dont have to face all of that life's suffering. Sometimes i just wished i had a knife to stab myself dead. Just... kill me. there's no need for me to be alive on this world either.....

2009-12-20T08:11:00.000-08:00

Sometimes, there's just this sense of emotion surging from within. I dont know if im sad or angry or happy... but i know i just feel like crying over nothing lol.. yeppers. Why are u leaving lynn? :(
Im kinda sad sad sad that she's leaving the crew Sigh... man. ITs 1 year of solid game friendship we built together with the crew... Whyyy leave? I know its just a game but its you people in there that's keeping me alive in the game :( im so sad..
well, its just that i finally found where i belong with... A place where i can voice out my opinions freely, make fun of people, get to know more people... gah.. nvm... if your happy in quitting then i aint gonna hold you back.

I hate christmas... they are never happy days..

2009-12-16T01:30:00.000-08:00

heh! back now.
At the moment my 4th finger on my left hand hurts like hell. Thanks to me for being idiotically persistant for pressing it down hard on the strings of the guitar.. And yes! ive stayed up all night to do projects.. or rather o.o catching up on the news XDD. I still cont seem to find anything though, sigh..

Ransacked through my gift box, ^.^ it felt soo awesome to be reviewing every single thing that i kept within the past 4 years. Somehow it brings peace and joy to me! I think thats the something that i will always do when i am bored. I will never get bored of it even if i were to flip it open a million times.

So, Aaron connors is currently bugging me :S idk. Maybe because we share the common interest that he and i can talk bout XD Nice as he is but yeah... sometimes i wish no one talks to me for awhile XDDDhahahha
tata... projecto to be done

2009-12-13T13:44:00.000-08:00

Oh yea! I am back again.

I hate using the blogger system to blog out school projects. They are problematic! Especially, when i am the one doing the work alone.Alright! Confession time :S...

I have not been a good leader myself. Sometimes, the burden is just there... I want to make the best out of everything.. Yet, i never give my mates a chance to prove themselves. Ive talked to so many people from different classes and they all tell me to just relax a little. Group work means working together as one, not doing everything by yourself. Yes! i Do understand that part! However, i just cant seem to let myself trust my mates. :( have i lost trust in everyone?
I dont want my grades to fall just because of the class politics this sem. I want to prove it to these people that i can do it even if i am paired up with the worst and pathetic people in class. I really have the Hate there to pull and drag everyone else into that black hole.. i wanna become the winner. i dont wanna loose out :(

I am still sad about what happened at the beginning of sem 2.. thanks to the class politics.. i still feel that my life is in jeopardy.. sigh.. no matter how much all of u try to make up for it. I will never forgive you people about what happened.

la la la bed time :D

2009-12-13T12:09:00.000-08:00

lookie lookie here you people
Today's the start of Day 1 of mid sem holidays :D, atm its 4am on monday.
Suddenly, i kinda remembered some past events. hmm, i remembered the time when i used to like this senior and found that she was very nice. Then there was once i asked her out to celebrate my band mate's bday. I ended up sitting by one corner doing my own stuff instead of talking to them :S.. If i were to dig up my memory box, there's this one little paragraph i used to always love to read on the letter she wrote to me. It always cheered me up alot :D. HaHa silly me yeah?

I am having a very hard time trying to keep myself focused on my projects. I seem to be drifting off all the time. Besides, i should be glad i manage to make it for OB mid sem test without studying much. >.< microecons paper kinda spoiled my mood.

Just last week was a happening week! Wednesday after OB, rushed all the way down to Clarke Quay to meet dionne, james and perry for dinner :D Went food Hunting! We walked from one end of clarke quay to the other end of Boat Quay!!! It was stupid cause, Sizzling Stones is located at Boat quay and we kept walking frantically in circles in Clarke Quay!..Well, i had no idea what happen but i suppose it was and had got to be something that one of them said. My mood swung to the other side... and became very quiet :S.. James was like telling me to Smile!!! Stop being depressed. O.o i wasnt depressed and stop saying that i am depressed or i just might be!

Thursday was a day out with Joeyee, Ruby, Hongyi, Tq and my youngen bro :D Went to Bishan for prawning day out! Oh yeah...I never caught anything cause my bro wanted the fishing rod so... I didnt really get a chance at anything. It kinda got boring after a while so i started drawing. It was just a rough sketch of the place, not really good though. BBQ-ed the prawns, played with cats and had fun! Went exploring J8 with tq and Hy cause tq say he hadnt come here before.

Friday evening was a night out with the Apec peeps for appreciation dinner. Pretty interesting, got to see PM lee live speech. Although i dislike him but i kind went like WOAH at his perfect fluent speech despite the fumbles which was hardly taken notice of. :D After all that, we had tiger beer! Tq's face was Soooooo red! hahaha! So, some of us stayed back after the dinner. I got Ai zhen to buy me my strong alcholic apple cider wine and got Tipsy before going home. It was fun.

Haha, i would seriously wish that people treat me normally. Just stop telling me not to be depressed when i am not depressed cause it just spoils my mood further. Sometimes, I would just love to have QT on my own, just keeping quiet and thinking. I dont think thats something very depressing.. This depressing thing is atm outta my system so quit reminding me of it, will u people? Esp people closer to me! Dont think that just because u know me a little better gives you the right to deem me depressed at any moment when i am feeling angry or sad. You just dont know how much it annoys and Disgusts me.. so fck off my life and bother with your own!

2009-12-05T11:29:00.000-08:00

HEH.. and here it is 4 am in the morning and i am still wide awake.

Eh? maybe not, already starting to zone out infront of the computer. In any other cases, i really wonder why i am still awake. Cause this is starting to give me time to think, think bout rubbish and all that... Meh, i am not getting depressed anymore. I realized, i was wasting my time getting upset over small things, big things, medium things, something, nothing? I shall be the emotionless human to roam the earth. I wanna be emotionless, like not even reacting, just doing my own stuff..

Apparently, half of me have died off. Just died.. haha, Given up on somethings that i try to hold onto, yet everything's slipping away so slowly yet that quickly. One would be loosing my mind. Second would be loosing my senses.. thirdly would be loosing everything i treasured in this life. XD. Well, james was awefully right about how selfish i was for not seeing things the positive way. But, what am i supposed to do? Change over night? I cant change over night, i like the sadness, i like the loneliness, i like whacking myself up till i can literally tell myself i am a worthless fool. Although i have never gone through the worst of my own life as compared to the others.. I just wanna feel for them, feel their sadness. Instill them into my own, and create my own unexplained series of sadness. I dont really know what i want in life. I just seem to be wandering aimlessly...

Where am i suppose to head to, What do i really want? Till today, I believe god told me to walk this path of life, to help people... well, how can i help someone else when i myself cant help myself out of my own problems? XD i dont want pity, i dont want empathy, i dont want someone to be there for me... i just wanna be alone.. Just leave me alone.. stop bugging me. Just get out of my life.. all and every single one of you.

Seriously speaking, no one can help me now. GAHH... i really dont know what i want..
i am not suicidal for any point of time.. heh, i will NEver end my life over something small..zzz what for?

I am so confused :(... this whole post dont even make any sense.. one minute i am like a kid wanting attention, next i Dont want any, then i get angry, i hate, then i become happy again..
Wtf is wrong with me?

sigh... i must be delusional..
GET BACK TO REALITY YOUNG LADY...>:l

2009-12-04T20:39:00.000-08:00

XD So there's nothing much thats happening in my life though
Except having to do work, study, run about like crazy in puzzle pirates, sleeping, go to school...
and the cycle continues.XDD

This is kinda disturbing though... ever since what Pras did...GAWD i have this horrible feeling of someone watching me. Especially last night... sigh. I was studying last night and suddenly the whole entire scene came and ploted into my head. So i stopped studying.. sigh.
-.- apparently i dont dare to write anything down in my new book anymore. damn... no where is ever safe..
WELL THANK YOU ALL..
sigh...

BUFFETT!!! WOOOOOOO ok bye bye.
i cant wait for next wed, thurs and fri

2009-11-28T01:19:00.000-08:00

I am so dissapointed with my ownself.
What have i done to acheive what i said i would?
heh, to show everyone that i will top the class, to show that them even without them i will survive. What has become of me? making the same mistake all over again and again, failing to see that i have walked down the wrong path.
sigh..
say no more, i am as hopeless as i am.

Inside me is a bottle of hate, ever growing. no matter how many times i tell myself control your own emotions, dont let them eat you up. It just fails to happen. When i think, everything becomes possible. Even my dreams tell me that i am angry, i could kill. Why should i not be afraid of myself? I dont wanna turn another person into a drone like me. Filled with the emotions of hate, Just because they were selfish they made me this way, id take my revenge on them, making them into who i am. I dont want to ruin another person's life.
Sometimes, i wished i could just own a car, turn on the carbon monoxide gas and just die feeling asphyxiated. Dying without knowing, just slowly falling into deep sleep and never to wake...

2009-11-27T05:52:00.001-08:00

How can i not feel my guilt to the problem that lies infront of my eyes?
How is it possible to remain stoned with no emotions with such thoughts?

Its been so long since i last thought about her. About the things ive done, to upset, to bring joy. All i can remember is the regrets, i would love to hit myself against. I cannot remember the times where i did good. The time that we spent together. Just on that day, that i wish she hadnt made the choice to return to her own homeland. I wanted to tell her how much i love her and will miss her for the fact that she would never return to where i am now. The last and final time i saw her, was the day i wanted to cry out so badly but i just kept it inside. All that i really know is that i hadnt been a good grand daughter to her. I couldnt even communicate with her well. Everytime she tries to tell me something for my own good, id just turn her off like a switch, ever ignoring her. I only remember that she likes the Fries from macdonalds. It was the only thing that i would buy when i had the money to make her happy, to see her smile. All id do everytime when i am regretting was to pray to god that he would give her another 2 more years to live. 2 more years for me to make up for what i did. But, time never lasts. I know that soon she'll have to leave me. And i prayed again, every single day that god wont take her away. How selfish can i still be. By any means, everyone has to go some day. It was never within my hands to decide one's life.

This time, father lord i wont ask you to not take my grandmother away. But instead, if you are going to take her away from me, please have her in your good hands. Dear father lord, i believe you will give my grandmother a better life. I know you will. Please keep her in good hands. Amen.

2009-11-12T15:34:00.000-08:00

i have foolishy lost my diary T.T which i dont know or cannot remember where i placed it.
I CANT FIND ITTTT!!!!!!

phew, i had none of my name in the book
BUT DAMN! i had my other friends name in the book and people search number in the book AHHHHHHHHHHH this is sooo HORRIBLE... -.-

apparently u might ask why, cause I HAPPEN to be a pathetic person that cannot describe my day so it eventually turns out to be a recording of what happened.. MEH! ur wrong.. its not because of that rather.

I NEED MY BOOK >:( all my art are in there!!! :(( loosing them is equivilent to loosing inspiration.. AHHHHHs sigh

2009-11-03T17:50:00.001-08:00

If you really want to know, go search your own heart for the answers. From today onwards i am not gonna be angry, ill just ignore. ignore all of u sickening people. IF you had put yourslef in where i am standing now, u will definetely understand how i feel. BUT no, people are just bloody selfish. SO why should i fucking care? ill be selfish too.

Dont make me flip the table one day. when it comes, i am never ever forgiving any single one of your soul i meet in this fucked up class.

2009-11-02T17:29:00.000-08:00

How can we win, when fools can be kings.
dont waste your time or time will waste you .

2009-10-30T05:59:00.000-07:00

humans, worthless creatures.
i wished i wasnt on earth, i wished i hadnt need to face shit in my life.
if i could choose to live or die, id rather choose death than to live and face hurt.
my heart has shattered, by the likes of people like u.
And just i thought, yea.. this is so true. there's no such thing as this word "Friends" for me.
i rather live alone than have you people as friends. The friends who hurt me all the time.
what for? its not worth it. its still because of u Shit ass holes in this world, the people who make my life bloody miserable.

I dont need anyone to care, i dont need any one in my life. I dont need small little things like love, friends, kindness, pity, empathy. These things have long gone dissapeared from my life. I will never bring these feelings back ever again. To love = great sacrifice = getting hurt all the time. And because i once Loved my friends, ive gotten hurt time to time again. Now, ill just give you hate. ill instill hate in ur life. ill instill fear, rage, sorrow, hoplessness, unhappiness into all of your lives. ill make you live like how i lived before. ill let you fall into depression and sink you further in more. And in the end, ill let you die alone. ill never be your friend. ill make u feel sorry, feel the guilt. feel my hate for all of u.

2009-10-25T09:44:00.000-07:00

can i just hate all of you?
i am never out of this pit hole no matter what i do, i still end up getting stuck in there
WHY am i feeling this way like Why?
am i suppose to feel that way?
Ive been blocking everyone outta my life including the thoughts of wanting some sense of security. i thought i was going somewhere. but NO!!!!
why have i become so soft? i feel like ive failed. ive failed my strong front. failed to maintain that walll i built over the years.
Its like, at times i really want someone whom i can talk to. like be by my side...
this loneliness is really eating me up. sometimes i dont get the attention i want i start to get fustrated. ITS ANNOYING. to be fustrated over nothing.over something that other people cannot help. and then the only thing i can turn to is screaming otherwise crying or hiting my fist against the wall, hard enough to make me wanna stop. to chill the tension.
its like the world without music, total silence. it KILLS... KILLS a human, making them go crazy. u know crazy... really crazy crazy.
why am i born this way?
why am i even on earth..
i really dont deserve to even be alive...
WHY??

2009-10-16T13:49:00.000-07:00

actually, i kinda gave up on the idea of getting a new blog.
my life is boring and hence nothing to be posted. i thought of just letting the blog die.

somehow or another, i feel that i am selfish and over protective of my youngest brother. Its as if like i make damn sure that no one hurts him otherwise i will be involved. I didnt realized he cut his wrist. I mean.. over a relationship you do that? its NOT worth it. Fuck relationship ok.
No matter how i try to look at it, its never worth to start one until... that day really comes. Failed relationship and all.. DAMMIT, why does everyone have to get hurt always.
I dont want my brother to end up like how i was before, cause its not worth to be like me. All that hate bottled up, all the sadness kept within.. sometimes, its just hard to talk about your own problems. I am glad that he can speak up his problems to his siblings. At least, people hear his problems. everytime when you try to love somebody, its always double the sadness in return.. whats the worth of it?

During this long holiday, i think i managed.. to figure whats wrong with me :)... at least, i tonned down a little. I am glad that the picnic i organised with the help of people in my class, Its sucessful. Although i was kinda bored... wasnt in the crappy/high mood these days. I am starting to worry, like worry loads.. you know... school's starting, project grouping and all that. I really hope things dont go the opposite way this time. Whats more worrying is that there's presentation and all.. Sigh.. my worst fears always haunt me.. T.T help..

2009-10-01T10:09:00.000-07:00

deep inside, a voice calls out
deep within, enraged with fury
THE need to SHOUT! THE neeed to SHOUT!
tension builts as the moon rose into the night
the sky was dark, there were no stars
passing through the dark alleys, the bin burning with fire
shadows filled these walls, the walls that echos off the sadness
Here i am, lets just get this party started!
Music fills the intensed air, loud rock with the screamings.
echoing from the walls were those anger, the tensions released.
but yet, how long can we hide from our reality?
through the works of music we speak our mind...
did you manage to hear me?
did you hear what i just said?

2009-09-23T05:10:00.000-07:00

Seriously, working for F1( tung lok a.k.a tong le) is really making me nervous and anxious. Well, its been freaking long since i last worked, i am just like totally afraid i wouldnt be up to standard.

Anyway, its like why the hell am i working in the kitchen!!! Then again, i dont give a damn anymore. Ill just working whatever is given :) but at least the chef i am working with is not sam leong lol. AHHH!... nervous.... seriously, like system breakdown.

Sleepless nights to follow me again. Sleeping at 5/6 am and waking at 9/8/7 is really eating up my physical and mental energy. XD i got to wake at 6 tmr for apec in class training. ill just hope i meet some decent stranger.

2009-09-21T08:26:00.001-07:00

woosh! i was like at my cousin's house today and haha i saw my cousin's bf. ^.^ he's good looking and nice and and and.. !! hahahaha! eeek XD i shouldnt be saying that :P

meh. i think for now, things have just settled for a little. I guessed i just needed to calm down a little since i am always thinking rubbish. Sometimes its just hard to ignore the reality infront of my face. Just yesterday, i went to church. And the pastor was talking about belonging in a community, that everyone needs to be in a community. Sure that is true, to belong in a community is what i have always wanted. And then, i was watching naruto shippuden just a few days back,- the place to return is to the person who is always thinking about you. this was really meaningful. I want to return to a place where people loves me, where people care, where people see that i exist. I want to be in that community. But being in that community is hard, since so many times i try to form one, i fall and get hurt. This hurt has followed me, eating my emotions up, causing me alot of pain. Sometimes, i just want to advoid this community, i want to advoid getting hurt further. Hurt is not something i can bear with anymore. But then, the pastor said he's sorry, "sorry for hurting you". I guessed it help me a little, my day became a little brighter

At least i think, i might pull through all this.
After sheding those meaningless tears for days...
i think i am just a little fine :)

2009-09-16T06:40:00.000-07:00

I think i have managed to figure out the dream the i was talking about the other day.

Just today, my brother... yeah, made my mum nag at him over tuition again. Then, he complained to his tuition teacher a while later that everything's just so unfair to him. Everything he does, he still get the scoldings.
Idk, i really dont know. Part of me felt very sad because i understood how he felt. When i was in primary 6, i had my psle results 3As and 1 B. I was soo happy that i scored 3As, but yet, my mother was not sastified. Instead, she flipped through the admission to secondary school book and kept telling me :" those results are not getting you into any school! no school would want someone who scores a 215" Instead of being happy, it just felt like whatever i do will never get my mum's approval that at least i tried. The feeling really sucks, all it takes was just mere sharp and hurtful words... and everything becomes different.

All my years as a secondary school kid, i hated my mum for all the hurtful things she did. It was tough, cause i was selfish and not thinking. I had dreams pior to being violent and angry, attacking her. And till today, i still have such dreams despite already forgeting all the bad she did. Still, all that i have done to pull my family back as a whole has paid off. i am happy. i just hope those anger kept deep within me dispells. i dont like having to dream those dreams again. It scares the hell out of me knowing that i am capable of killing if i happen to rage.

sigh..

why is everyone lying to me over and over again?
i can see that i can no longer trust the people close to me.
they think what they are doing is good intention but the truth is its for selfish means.
we all do things for a reason, and one of the reason is to benefit oneself from it.
sigh... i hate my life.

2009-09-14T23:52:00.000-07:00

why do i feel that way? envy?

once again, i hide behind my mask pretending everything is fine.
The real truth is that, everything is not fine.. everything inside me is aching with pain.
For many years, ive held back those tears.
Building a stronger person outside of me, hoping it will shield me from all the pain.
i grew stronger, i didnt have to bother about what people think about me.
It seems like things are different now, the shield cannot hold those attacks towards me anymore.
It felt like soon, its gonna penetrate.
To be stabbed in the heart is the most painful thing.

what do i desire to do?
what do i cherish the most?

I have been selfish, i have been unfeeling, i have been annoying.
All i wanted was people to befriend me. All i wanted was a true friend that i could really rely on.
i dont care what anyone of you would think about me. good or bad,all i want to be is just a friend. Someone who can turn people's day around.
sigh.. whatever.. i fail at my own life..

2009-09-13T07:56:00.000-07:00

Recently, ive pissed some people off.. but idk, keep being angry with me cause i wont bother to do anything about it. Not even an apology that will come from my mouth. Who you see now is who i really am, and its either you accept it or you dont. Its just sad that people cannot accept who i am. Oh well, whatever. As long as i enjoy my life i am fine with people like those.

I had this wierd dream last night, something that i would consider as a nightmare.
I dreamt i was in this school, having a camp or something. And so, i was doing jogging with the rest, towards the basketball court. All of a sudden i was the only one left jogging through this tunnel where everyone else passed it. Its creepy... i know. As i appeared out of the tunnel, 2 muscular man were playing hockey and the hockey ball nearly hit me unconcious. Then, i saw the group of people i was jogging with and ran towards them..

The next moment i know is that i am in this odd building, looked like a clinic. With my family members all present we were waiting for something. I havent had any idea what was happening next but i peered into the room and i saw 2 families sitting at a long table with men and ladies dressed in white, talking. Yea... and i guess we were the last people to be seeing the doctors. -.-Odd!!..soo, finally it was our turn and we headed into the room. A guy then asked us to do something. I saw my mum's expression, that very evil expression. I kinda dazed out a little and i questioned the man back what am i supposed to do. I turned back and i saw that my parents and my bro are working together putting words on a mindmap. For a sudden i forgot what a mindmap was and i said i didnt know how to do one.

Guess what happened next?

This guy took out a mind map which was soo freaking familiar from what i did for econs. He tore my unfinished mindmap and for a sudden i raged with anger. So much anger i lost control. He then left to another room. Only now, i saw my mum clearly. That evil in her eyes, she tried to strangle me. I had a knife on my hand, i had to protect myself. I thought i was going to loose myself. I struggled to my cousins and they did help.. to which i was BACK to reality...
my mum woke me up. I was like OMG my mum woke me UP!... its HER... not that evil mother in my dreams. The dream felt so real!!
relieve was all that i felt. but i could not comprehend what my dream was trying to tell me.

sigh..
i am scared..
scared of that anger i posses..
Why such fury in me?

2009-09-09T08:11:00.000-07:00

results are coming out in a few..
tension's building, anxiousness rising. i just wish i hadnt had the need to sit for sub paper again
and then again i fear i wont do well.
i am scared
yes i am..
but i know i have done my best.
sigh..

2009-09-06T20:33:00.000-07:00

IAMFUSTRATED!!!!!

I happen to always wake up with this feeling which I NEED TO GET RID OF.
i am annoyed by whatever that's near me. Now i wanna chomp on people...
RAH! ~CHOMPS~

:S.... phychiatrist they say.. should i?
once again, i think i lack the attention.. why am i attention seeking?
what's wrong with me???

2009-09-05T20:03:00.000-07:00

hahaha! WHERE IS MY TWINY!??!!

i didnt mean about yan ling, who all of a sudden became my chopstick half LAWL.. invented by the guys. I actually meant my real other half that i manage to chase away during that period of time. Its funny why i still want her back, cause i am living a better life now. Better than when she was around. However what i realized is that i lost a small part of me, that is my feelings and gain more of me, i love myself :) to change my world around XD. Still, no matter how much the loss or gain, we are both one.. and i need to find my other half back.

My darker half >:D

2009-09-04T06:07:00.000-07:00

well, this post isnt gonna be emo.. but, geez there's so many kids out there who's just like me.. trapped.... sigh... although i have managed to get out of it how i wish i could help the others who have fallen deeper than i was.

2009-09-03T08:53:00.000-07:00

It's your heart that knows who loves you, not your ears or eyes.
This is true, I know who loves me. I know who are the ones who care. In this life of mine, i dont ask for love, i dont need people. I only need myself because myself is the only person i have to depend on to reach my own goals.However, i am sure that i dont want to see this happening in my life. I dont wish to see regret, I dont wish to see my family break up over some stupid quarell. I believe that if we al learn to forgive and forget, we can pull through together as a family. I may not say much.. or dont seem like i even bother, but it just makes me sad. It just very sad to even think about it. If i am feeling so upset about this even though nothing happened.. I think those families who are facing this hurts more than me.
People out there dont understand how others feel, they dont give a damn to what happens when they conclude a failed relationship.

Thinking is not something bad, thinking helps all of us to reflect what they have done. Thinking has always been part of my life.. since i cannot express my feelings properly, i have to feel what its like by being that person. Its not easy, to understand how others feel without putting oneself into their shoes.. Sometimes, its just me being unable to feel nor react.. idk how to react when my friend is down.. i can listen, i wont comfort.. i can share, i wont bother at all.. i am taught that i should never dump my anger onto my own family member nor friends. But, sometimes.. its just hard to not vent your anger.. idk.. no one's your dustbin.. dont dump your rubbish on others.. sometimes.. i wish to run away and hide. run away from all the reality.. run away from the passing time.. run away from the future.. what am i scared of? why do i need to run?

its been so long since i felt this way..the sadness -pure joy and happiness...
:) but i am happy i am thinking again.. i dont wanna regret my actions further..

i thought i lost myself in neverland..
but the me is back.
i am back.

2009-08-31T07:11:00.000-07:00

haha! guess what today is! TEAchers DAY!
went back to deyi of course ^.^ i miss my classmates there.
seriously speaking, i somehow dislike poly life.. i lost my sense of belonging.. my identity..
even so, in sec school life no matter how lonely i was, i still felt that i belonged in a class, in a society of people who wear the same uniform, has a class like a house to go back to.
i miss those days.. where study isnt so stressing much..
those days where people are there to spoon feed you all the information you need.

yeah ^.^ memories memories.. ive gotta grow up :)
went back with a bunch of guys XD its cool actually. well, too bad joeyee cant ikimasho to amk hub with me so i headed home in the end.. anyway i am kinda tired from sleeping late these few days XD.
ive been a little crazy these day.. i die for attention XD... attention seeker :P
i am BORED, i confess..
shoulda have went to work..

but what ever, i am heading over to malaysia tmr XD i hope i get to eat jap foood
ah well tatas for now XD

2009-08-30T09:54:00.000-07:00

i havent been more happy than happy XD
finally its the holidays and Woooo... well, i am just gonna sit back at home and relax a little.
i havent kept my books yet, cause i have a feeling i might need to take sub papers :S
this feeling's buggin me.
anyway, its already the 3rd day of holidays and i am starting to feel extremely bored.
firstly, my sec school friends are either working.. so no one's gonna bring me out.
secondly... i am bored and lazy to plann anything for the holidays..
so i might just as well stay at home at stare at the screen that is already starting to hurt my eyes..
TIME TO BRING THIS LADY OUT
rawk on..
XD

2009-08-21T07:48:00.000-07:00

na na na na na na na na XDDD
you drove me crazy everytime we touch....
i use to be love drunk... blah blah...
i seem to be high on over dosage of music Woooo love you forever!!!

ahh yes, fancy getting sick during study break! it really sucks.. and i really really hope this will NOT happen again XD
so, i am much better today :D hoorays! I feel like in heaven after i finally managed to clear my head off the problems thats been lingering in me for weeks, months. ^.^ i am much more of a happy person now :)

i realized i managed to pass my four years of secondary school because i was who i was. I didnt really bother whether i needed the people who were around me. No love for friends, just simple plain HI and then at the end of the day its BYE! and zoom! back home XD. Boring lifestyle i should say but it was awesome. I had people to talk to, people i look forward to see everytime i switch on the computer.I wont say they are always there when i am on but at least i could be free, express my feelings freely.. They accept who i am, helped me through even if they didnt know me.

And then again, i belonged to no one. My phrase was " I stand alone, strong and independent of myself. I rely on no one" So, no one were my friends in secondary school.. i am like much of a hopper who hops around with everyone. haha.. then talk about crush.. i liked this guy, the feeling's good. XD all i wished for was that he be better off :) and not so ignorant. hehe but too bad he doesnt like me so i cant be fucked either XD. I almost ruined his life for some reason my darker side had managed to pull him morally down. The higer he climbed, the more i wanted him to fall.. oooo i am such a psycho... XD.

ah well... i need to learn to be myself more :)
idk ill end here i am lost and have to attend to ippy who's mad hahahah

2009-08-09T10:21:00.001-07:00

And when its just 2 weeks to exams, i am still lazing about..
I really need to gather my thoughts and study like crap..
STUDY hun. time to STUDY...not fall sick though, although i feel like i am.hahhaha
lucks to me

2009-08-05T21:57:00.000-07:00

well the reason i regret joining DPA bounces back to you people i hang out with as a whole..
why should i even join when i aint part of you guys as a class.... anyway... i dont bother.. cause i have made it clear to myself, that i dont need you guys..
this is not what friends are suppose to be..
just ask yourselves what do the word friends mean..
and what you guys are doing..
its fine that i dont belong..
but ill just question you guys one more time..
is what your doing something that defines friendship?

thats all i am gonna say

2009-08-05T10:01:00.000-07:00

there there
dont cry hun, life's like weighing machine.
sometimes its heavy to bear, sometimes it light and floaty.
all you gotta do is forget about all the sad memories.
keep the good ones, they bring you joy.
dont bottle em up. just let things go..
take cares...

i cant... just cant do it... each time i repeat to myself this..
each time i fall harder..
i am not trying to pity myself.. but life is just so saddening.
not just my own problems.. other people's problems.
i cant do anything to help.. sometimes it just make me feel useless and worthless to this society
sometimes.. it just make me feel i am not worth to belong..
sigh...
BIG SIGH..
who am i suppose to trust?

2009-08-05T09:49:00.000-07:00

haha..and just when i thought the world was gonna fall on me for RHT, it didnt :D
i got a B... surprised me alot cause i got an A, then a C+ then a F but i still got a B wooo hoo
ahh yes.. i should start studying now.. althought i am out of my mood to do any of that.

Current music : classical piano pieces
I have been madly in love with classical piano music these few days.
Well, it just felt like i am into another place when i practise the piano with emotions.
A place fill with peace and serenity. No loud noises, no troubles, no worries..
listening to my piano grade 7 CD is awesome too..
i should be sleeping by now...
i am like getting EYE bags!!
:(

tmr's gonna be another day... soo ill just end here

2009-08-02T09:00:00.000-07:00

when my time comes, forget the wrong that ive done
help me leave behind some reasons to be missed.
dont resent me and when your feeling empty
keep me in your memories
leave out all the rest, leave out all the rest...

haha.. i am stuck with this song, its just too awesome not to hear..
i just heard some bad news.. well nothing regarding my family
but, its just too hard to hear.
just imagine your having cancer and then its already spreading soo bad..
your husband suddenly pass away of a heart attack...
i really cant imagine that.. seriously if it every happens to my family.. i really dont know how to react...
i'd just be soo sad, depressed even..
i'd almost cried when my mum told me that issue.. cause immediately i just put that into my family's shoes.. felt it hard.. i just kept silence for the enitre journey to my cousin's..

why is it that it is so unfair for these people?
maybe i am just feeling too much.. but this empathy is what keeps my life going..
sometimes, i just act badly with out empathy..
each time i see old people... i'd think about how my parents would grow old... eventually leaving me in this world alone... its just so scary.. everyday i fear the same thing because i know i love them..more than anything in this world. how i wish people dont die.. how i wish my family will never leave me..

they always say... you dont appreciate what they did.. when you were younger..
they always say... you dont understand why they did those things...
but truthfully, now i know.. i know, i know, i know... but is knowing it now a little too late?
maybe it is.. i can never make it up to my grandmother.. she's not with me in singapore anymore.. how much i wish i could tell her i love her.. but i could never say it out.. all i could do was get her her favourite french fries from mac donalds...everytime i see her smile while eating them.. that was the only thing that would keep me from remembering her when she was still living with us..
sigh...

why am i regretting now?
i cant change the past..
all i could pray for is that she live with good health and be happy..
all i could pray is that that final day comes slower..
so that i know she's still alive..
but i am just being selfish again..
sigh... what is with this world im in?

2009-08-01T03:06:00.000-07:00

i wish to shout out:
i am pissed with with world
I CANT BE FUCK WITH THIS WORLD..
i wish i would just DRIVE everyone away!
ENOUGH!... ENOUGH!!.... ENOUGHHHHHH!!!@#@#$
OUT OF MY FCKED UP LIFE...
GAHHHHHH!...
GET OUT!!!!!

2009-07-31T09:35:00.000-07:00

Rebecca got a message that on this day, God wants her to know...
... that you can only give away what you already have inside yourself.
True giving happens when you are overflowing from the inside, and cannot help but share. When there is so much love within you that it has to flow to others or you would burst open. There is no thinking involved, no willpower in such sharing. It just flows out. If you have to force yourself to be kind, to love, to feel compassion, you've missed the first step of filling in your own Self with these emotions.

i think, somehow or another, this related to the one thing that happened 2 hours back..
i wasnt really thinking about what i was doing... i just wanted to help my friends, in anyway if possible.
i know i am not the willing type to sacrifice my own life for other people but things like money, its not really important to me.. money is something that i dont desire for..
money is just daily necessity for me despite that money is never enough..
what i really want in life is to be accepted for who i am... to be loved..
but i think i see that this is something that isnt gonna happen.. ill just keep myself together, build that wall up, and hide from reality..
sigh..
i wish i had someone i could really really talk to...
i am tired of the people around me...
i wished ill just drink and pass my time all away...

2009-07-29T09:42:00.000-07:00

Its been longish since i last posted... well, i am either very busy or just Tooo busy with projects to the extend i am loosing my sleep like now from studying and keeping myself awake for a day.
I almost died on the way home today of exhaustation..
The moment my eyes shut, i cannot keep myself from drifting immediately into lala land on the bus..
gah, i miss the old days where school wasnt keeping me soo occupied.
oh well, today's com skill's mock test.. gonna study later no matter what.

i have drifted away.. from the people i trusted..
maybe, i was just intending to advoid. Avoid going back to the past me..
i dont wanna live in sadness anymore.. so i thank all these busy days that help keep me away from sad thoughts.
When i am with them.. i never once felt i belonged... or maybe i dont belong anywhere...
ill just live my lonesome life with the www and puzzle pirates.
ah whatever... i hate this life.. i really really hate this life..
all the more i wished i was someone else... someone more perfect...
sigh..
ill just keep the rest to myself...
life just sucks...
gd nights.

i am occupied with fear, my deepest fears...

2009-07-20T09:59:00.000-07:00

Seriously, what are friends?
I am sorry but i still need to question this... i was never given an answer since the day i posted this question to myself.
what is the defination of friends?
I know that there are people who are out there that cares for me but are they my friend?
Are they the people who will help me walk my life through?
Or just the people who stands by watching?
There are times where i have to let go of the ppl i once held on to because i know it be selfish to hold on. And then again, when i needed the people i've let go.. they all dissapear without a trace..
I did get fed up and blurt out how i felt.. but did that get through to the other party?
Seems like it didnt... or maybe just for that day.
I dont really know why i am feeling this way again...
Just like when i thought i found the answer, it slips away..
they all are slipping away.. away from my grasp..
Why do i even try so hard to keep the friendship line going when no one actually bothers?

Do you know how much it hurts me when you make me loose my trust upon you?
i wish to fogive you but i cant. For all that you did, even though it doesnt matter to me, just makes me mad. I seriously dont know how to ever forgive you, or even talk to you again.
You just dissapoint me alot.

part of me just feel so guilty.....
loosing someone close to you is really a hard thing to accept.
and i am really really sorry for it.
i dont want forgiveness... it my fault for not looking at things the other way...

2009-07-19T09:36:00.001-07:00

I think my life has changed alot, for all the things that's happening around the house.
I've finally gotten my family back together as one
At least now i know that they will always be there for me when i need them
Sometimes, i face things i cannot verbally re- relate to another person.
Sometimes, the moment i feel like saying it, the further it gets trapped inside me.
i Never liked the word "friends". I never believe they exist. All my life, i walked down the road of loneliness, the real smile hidden behind the mask. Those people came up to me and said HEY! join us. We will take care of you. The real truth is they never really cared about you as much as your family. They let you in then toss you out the moment they get sick of you.
Are these people my friends then? Who can i really rely on, that can really understand who i am?
No one really understands me well, they think i am wierd they think i am nut case they think i am a joke they think that i am not like the normal people. Not like what normal girls are suppose to be..

I dont like to be deem a girl, i dont like to be look down as incapable towards men. I believe all of us are equal, be it men or women we all have our own strenghts. I dont like to look at people towards gender because we were all made the same, from clay and water. We all are equal. I hate to be seen as worthless. For if i am worthless, so you are because we are all equal.

Sometimes, me myself disgust me. The way i look at it, i seem like the world's mixed up creature.

sigh... the confusion.... i can never seen the world like how others see it to be.
destruction is near... ill just wait for it to come..

2009-07-18T09:37:00.000-07:00

weeee, i took 2 hours sketching this STITCH which is my favourite picture

XDDD amg its just darn cute. hahaha!

and AMG dylan's leg is bleeding!! >.<

BRB!

2009-07-18T06:33:00.000-07:00

idk... and then again i start to regret what i did..
sigh... it just didnt feel right..
i dont like jumping into conclusion but i know i just had to.
i dont wish to get fed up with people anymore. i dont wish to bother.. i dont wish to care.

from now on my attitude will be " its up to you"
whether you wanna come, its up to you
i wont get angry anymore
its your own life, your own future not mine, whatever i do will not affect me but you
you choose what is more important in your life
i dont have the right to decided for you
its all up to you now

i dont have to feel incompetence to the people around
i dont have to lower who i am
i dont have to make people like me
i dont have to walk my life differently
from today, i will be who i really am.
ill show the world how mean i can become
because this world never appreciates me
this world never see the good in me
this world is forever out to get me
ill hunt each and everyone down
drag them and torture them
let them taste what it is like to feel inferior
to feel the loneliness, to be at the breaking point of sadness
to be driven insane, to feel hopless
and then slowly let them die emotionally
seeing them suffer in pain brings me joy
the only one that will live is me
no one else
just me
mock me more and ill just be the last one mocking at you

2009-07-16T11:19:00.000-07:00

i think i am starting to have a little much of FUNN :D
today at 5 is project dead line and project for monday is over meaning WOOO no more project.
or rather FUCK i have 3 presentations on the SAME DAMN thursday !!!!!!!
oh well start preparing :l..... ta ta

2009-07-13T10:27:00.000-07:00

so what do i actually have against lesbians and gays?
basically i do not have anything against them.
its true that they are also an average human but with the opppsite like of sexual preference.
i have something that i really dont like about people is that i am very very sensitive to touch meaning... JUST KEEP UR HANDS OFF ME!....
i suppose this makes everything clear? it just kinda makes me unconfortable although i dont say it...
ga ga ga

well, just wanna comment something about humans.
firstly, i am starting to look down on you mere creatures again.
putting myself into your status is a shame, i am not like you guys..
but too bad, everyone's equal and average so ill just lower my status to fit what we call ourselves as "humans"

Sometimes, people never think through about the consequences of trying to bring someone's morale down
sometimes people think: jeez its okay! he/she will not die...
but the real fact is that, and what is so scary is that being in the technology era, all of your actions, speech and movement can be tracked down via advance technology.
all of us are being monitored by robots that interfere with our daily lives. soon, the robots will run us.
things that one says through phone could be recorded, with the help of an mp3 recorder
things that one send through facebook, msn, text message email can be re traced with the help of history.
i dont know why people are hiding behind their computers and phone these days, verbally abusing each other. tearing each other's morale down, forcing hate and sadness into the world.
this world is filled with sins..i too, sin...

what i want to bring out is that, if the other party is emotionally weak and being ganged upon.
unable to fall back from depression... and takes his/her life... you are to be blamed. the one who do it through instant message, or fb can never escape the fact he/ she had caused the death.

all the time, people never think before they do things.
once, my brother offended his classmate on fb chat... and her brother came and tried to be mean.
all i can say is, when you hide behind the computer and scold vulgarities... you are at the loosing end. immediately, i am the winner no matter how much you try to bring me down. i didnt have a choice but to bug in. and eventually i managed to get things settled.. i believed if everyone is able to keep cool and settle things, there will be lesser conflict in this world. BUT its impossible not to have conflict... conflict is part of human nature...resulted by competition and the mind set of i am always the winner and I'll not give in.

what has become of this world?
or maybe what has become the mindset of Singaporeans?
idk, we want to win... we never wanna give in
how many times relationship fail because of this mind set?
i personally believe out of 100, its always a 90% or even 99%

divorce, divorce , divorce...
is that what all adults can think of only when a relationship dont work out?
idk maybe there is no more way to go.. and thats the only way for solution.
Then Why in the first place do you get married?
have children and start a family?
if it was going to be a failed relationship, then why bother begining in the first place?
adults tooo never think before they act!...
do you know how much a divorce can affect a kid?
mentally and emotionally?
do you know how much sadness it brings, being unable to forgive and hate?
even mentioning of a divorce can cause negative reactions within the surroundings.
and then again what is family meant for?

family is meant to share the good and bad times together, going through thick and thin with each other. fightings occur but it is the key factor that bonds the family further. having someone to care for you, to love you...
what is love?
i think nowadays parents cannot differentiate materilistic love and real love.
materialistic love, things like rewards if u score and A. despite it being a motivation but which part of it can you find love?
materialistic love where love isnt real, its just the assets that lie within your room, your house, no true feelings.. nothing..just some piece of dead wood...

real love in a family does not need to be shown..
most of the times, our parents try to do something in oder to make sure that we are far much better off than them. like working for an example. they work in order to keep the family alive, provide us with a shelter, food and accomodation, even money. small little things that each of us do, cannot be seen by the naked eye. however, the sincerety is there!

us kids, never take into appreciation of what the people around us do..
we think that life is easy going. the truth is, it isnt... the people around us strive so hard to keep us going yet we blame them for providing schooling, nagging.. tuition..
until the day when our parents time has come... and we start to regret... all the things we said and did to them. It can never be taken back!... It's done, and cant be reversed...
by then.... regreting no longer means anything...

i have no idea why am i so pissed off but i just wanted to share some issues on my head and currently linking from one issue to another.. everything links.. its part of a chain. its just how you visualize life. A person can say all this crap that i typed, showing how professional he is but if you dont work it out, its as good as nothing... a piece of dump!...

2009-07-12T09:32:00.001-07:00

i only wished i could bring joy and happiness into this lonesome and dark world.. all i wanted to do was just to make sure that i see the world shine, but within me, i'd keep myself sad. sometimes, its hard to look at things differently..

sometimes, things are just infront of you, waiting to mock at you.. waiting to pull you down

sometimes, you just cannot run from reality...

sometimes, you just wanna put the mask on...

sometimes, i dont really know what i wanna...

deep inside i know i am still alive, because i am holding onto the things that i see, the things that bring me more hope in life.

on the surface, i died.. reality's attacks are too much to withstand..

all that emotions sink hard...

then... sadness bring its devils to work..

i love the people around me.. i believe i dont have to say it out because i believe actions are stronger than words..

no matter what ill fight to secure what i want..

from today, its time to be mean >:D

2009-07-11T08:50:00.000-07:00

sometimes i wanna cry for no reason,
sometimes i wanna forget the world,
sometimes i am crazy and happy,
sometimes i miss the people i love,
sometimes i dont know who i am and what i wanna,
sometimes i really wonder,
sometimes i feel neglected,
sometimes i really wonder if i was suppose to be here,
sometimes i am annoying to myself and ppl around me,
sometimes i cannot control my emotions,
sometimes i feel alone,
sometimes i dont fit it,
sometimes i wanna hide away,
sometimes i wanna die,
sometimes i am angry,
sometimes i need someone by my side...
sometimes..... i wished life was perfect...
sometimes.... i wished i was all alone...
sometimes.... i wish someone would hear me out...
sometimes.... sigh...

i swore i wouldnt cry no matter how hard life was gonna be, i swore to live and depend on myself, i swore that i will do things right.. But no matter how much i believed myself i could do something, i never manage... i am such a failure...
someone just talk to me and keep me alive...
i am dying..

2009-07-10T07:16:00.000-07:00

Seriously speaking i am getting all anxious over the thought of presentation :O
AHHH! i just feel like shouting fcuk right now right here.
its good i am getting a little more sleep than the first few days :) i think insomnia is getting better in a way, yet it isnt. HEADACHE is starting to kick in :O...
in whatever case, BY TONIGHT i have to finish comm skills : findings and conclusion!
AHHHH damit i forget to get the news article from hong yi!.. nooooo
sigh...

i should have already gotten over him but why do i wanna see him again? but anyway, who cares... we are just friends and have been just friends. i miss the days when i was in band... sigh~
idk, i am all lovey dovey when it comes to chatting.. i feel loved again... from my family, my mates..

2009-07-09T09:06:00.000-07:00

I hate holding onto responsibility. As a matter of fact, i dislike not having the role of a leader. I know it sounds contradicting. I love to lead and not take orders from other people. Yet i know i am weak at responsibility taking.

Most of the times, i would stand by to observe a situation before acting into the situation itself. There seems to be a need to watch and read before moving. I think i'd die in on the spot situations. Am truthfully not quick to think on the spot. need some time...

now i just dont know what i am typing. I am so tired.. gonna go try to sleep although i know i cant lol...

Have been really really stress, having nerve pulls at my head...( head ache) because i know i cannot rely on anyone in my group to make things be perfect well its not that but i just feel the need to step up and get something done otherwise i will term myself as failure. Perfection is the key tool to sucess. I need to see that i actually get there. I am tired of failures... not gonna take failures anymore. i need my future job, gonna really work hard. ill see myself to university. ill make sure of that...

Thanks dani for helping me through these stressful times... just couldnt find someone to relieve me of my stress. Oh well, at least i am having something to do, keep me away from thinking so much of anxiety..

No matter how much i see it, i am changing.. its not me anymore.. the childish side of me is fading away.... i realized this world, yet sometime i cant help to feel sad for ourselves, " humans", the term we name ourselves as. Yet so selfish... ignorant.. sigh..

i am a failure ...

2009-07-07T09:34:00.000-07:00

night durations are really getting longer these days.
i suppose its because i am too free at night. Or rather not really. I havent been sleeping well lately, i feel like i am about to die. snapping soon due to the lack of sleep. DEPRIVED of sleep can cause insanity.

haha i suppose i did flared up a little today. I AM SO DARN PISSED over something small. unlike to be me... i am NUTS. GAH..

projects yet to be done:

POM:- finalize and finish report..., think of skit ( ads)

IntHT: presentation 2 weeks later... come to think about it, I HATE formal wear..

Comm skills: need to start on report.... eh.. we have finish compiling results. :O i realized...

econs : havent do my individual report -.- die die die.... and not started on group report..

RHT: oh... that i dont really bother cause we are on track. i suppose?

FNB: not gonna worry about that.

___________________________________________________

hmmm k nothing bye bye

2009-07-05T04:14:00.001-07:00

I realized something very important in my daily aspect of life.

To really be happy, its to give and not take.

Sometimes humans can be very selfish and rather take than give.

Giving is a form of goodness in you, to help is also giving.

However, true giving means nothing in return.

It comes from the bottom of your heart, top most sincerity.

Sometimes its just hard to give, to give something that you treasure the most.

But when you learn to let go, things are better off.

Things will stop bugging you from day to day, the feeling of lonliness, sadness, craziness of this world that bounds within a human body, the human heart.

One will be carefree, from the problems of this world.

One will be blinded, being unable to see the bad side of this world

However, for me i just can't, give away my treasures.

I cant let go of the things that i gone through.

Because it was these things that built me up from when i was before to what i am now.

Built me up stronger, tougher, resistant to life's facade.

Sometimes, its hard to fall yet the harder you fall, the deeper you sink.

The mask that brings me my life...

The mask i swore to loose.

Yet i cant... i am afraid of loosing my mind further.

What's my problem?...

2009-07-04T04:35:00.000-07:00

woosh, i had a great time talking to john yesterday. XD
despite the fact it was rafiqa's bday didnt talk much to her. idk nothing to say?
i havent been talking much to them either.
tee hee, although i had the i am bored face, i literally enjoyed observing the entire "party"
i learned many stuff from just listening. some stuff that were funny, like 0.5 me hahaha
its not the first time so i could take the joke but too much is really too much. Guys you have to control your pranks at time.
particularly in a good mood so i wasnt angry with Eugene.. for the fact of his sacarsm at the dinning table.
generally it was fun.. XD

2009-06-30T05:22:00.000-07:00

wa hahaha so here i am back . lets touch on the topic INTROVETS.

ok personally, i feel that i am an introvet to a certain extend. based on past life, i am one XD although personality test shows i am not just then. However, personality test show that i am now WHICH i aint! amg.
i have been doing "research" on introvets. Introvets are naturally quiet, not emo... tend to be reflective and thinks alot before doing stuff. Generally, not snobbish (gah why cant i get this into my head) just not as excited and hardly talk. Loves one to one convos. I love that esp when there's someone of the same interest as you. Takes a longer time to recooperate loss of energy after being dragged to a party.

Hmmm i like party... but not Party- PARTY... u know...the plenty of new and wierd ppl..... that i might die. I hate those.. not even ktv or whatever crap XD not my type. I prefer to stay back at home, at the comfort of my house and sitting on the bed playing my puzzle pirates. Not trying to be antisocial, but second life is calling me. Virtual life replenishes my energy. i love 1 to 1 convos!!! i like the attention XD.... not attention whore but haha a little attention is good enough
okies i need to stop here i lost focus on what i wanted to type -.- hahah typical me

2009-06-26T08:19:00.002-07:00

I have the tendency to sleep very late these days.. I dont know what i am stressing myself with. I just feel the craziness thats overwhelming me. I am either too eager to finish work or I am just cant be bothered with projects. I am afraid of something, what it is i still cant figure out.
So far, i have passed 2 subjects and failed 1. Dissapoints me much.

I happen to cross John's blog today, was reading his post when i realized something. He was almost like me, where you hardly see the dark side. However, the real truth is that there's just too much sadness going on in this world, sometimes i had to show. Mystery is why people would wanna get to know me... I would clearly state my view that i am pretty dark inside. Just soo dark that when i get too indulge in my own thoughts, i get emo, you see the real me.

Oh... i hadnt know who i am yet but i think i am getting better these days due to the stress from school work. hadnt had much time to think, all in my mind was just to work and play. Just wanna escape reality. I hadnt spoken to this person for long... this person upset me much, such that i felt like the world was crashing on me. Then, i realized... why should i get so annoyed over all that when the person dont even care? Now, its just less words to be said. I will get on with life for what my other friends said :

People have their own rights to choose the people they hang out with. If they dont choose you, remain happy but knowing that they cannot be trusted. Instead, spend more time getting to know new people than just sticking to the same group all the time.

This is true. I hang on to that thread, no matter how upset i get over what one did, i just wouldnt let go. I take friendship into serious conditions... till today, no one can actually meet my standard for friends. I realized, this life, no one is your true friend. They all come and go. Life now is pretty unstable for me. i dont seem to get what i want. What does it take to be appreciated? For all the things i do, i hardly ask for something in return. All i ask is just someone to talk to , to turn to. Someone whom i can really trust to share my thoughts with.

I am just gonna drift away.. leave my past behind. Those fake memories i thought it would be.. people are just selfish.. I hope to take me life... die and be done with.. no one bothers whether i am alive or not either.. whether i am visible in this world. everyone takes me for granted. i am sick of that... sick of this life..sick of who i am.. i thought i could change, be better... in a new environment. but no... i seem to be falling, further and deeper this time round..sigh..

2009-06-24T11:32:00.000-07:00

AHHH!... >.< i am " stressed" with projects.
I have zero motivation to do anything although i am suppose to be doing something..
OMG oMG OMG!...
and i cant sleep with things on my mind although i am like dead tired
sighh

2009-06-23T20:04:00.000-07:00

maybe i should start running, dashing, sprinting to my final lap..
I SHOULD QUIT LAZING around like i am doing now.
its not really much of lazing.. its just that i dont feel like doing anything.. zero mood to touch on my projects and i skipped lecture today. I CANT BELIEVE MYSELF. :O
have i given up?
>.< next paper coming back is econs good luck to me

2009-06-23T08:50:00.000-07:00

life is all wrong again
wtf is actually wrong with me? idk but i can say that i dont know this me, this person i am now.
how many times have i questioned myself, who am i? till now i still dont have the answer. Till today i am still lost in this identity crisis problem..
sometimes, i feel like giving up, knowing me.. knowing this world, knowing the people around me. i am so sick of my life, everyday i have to question myself what am i here for? who i am?...blah blah blah.

its like standing by the edge of a cliff, one more step.. and there it goes, wasted down the drain.
i am tired... tired.... no one is my friend.. no one is my enemy, no one is allied with me. i walk this journey alone. its almost as if i am walking my route to hell. where i fall deeper and deeper, sunk into quicksand.

sigh.... tell me? do you even understand me....
i doubt anyone does.
cause everyone cares only about themselves.

2009-06-23T04:37:00.001-07:00

here i am again!

I cant believe i failed English. I mean its not likely for me to actually fail English...
No matter how much i say "DAMN its alright, there's alot more opportunitys ahead", i still feeel miserable with that pathetic F i got. Sigh... gotta blame myself for not doing well.

Now its just my job to entertain this 7 year old kid from Aus. lol. she's misty's kid. XD
ah well.. i am tooo sad to continue blogging.. i have been sad for days, months.. sigh.. i dont feel like meeting anyone these few weeks... i wanna go home and stone

2009-06-20T08:39:00.000-07:00

now i am really afraid i cant use my fingers. my entire right arm is soo worn out, i cant even play my pieces properly cause the muscles are straining. sigh.. its like a lifeless right arm.lol

Then again, i wanna perform this year end. a concert coming up for my brother playing the violin but i can perform too. should i? should i not? i am afraid.. scared.. gah... stage fright. i dont wanna make myself a laughing stock infront of so many people. how many times they tell me just treat the audience as puppets but... even just infront of my friends i dont have the courage or even if i did play, i fumble and tumble. sigh...
arghhh!.... help..

they say i am extrovet..but the truth is i am an introvet.

2009-06-19T10:02:00.000-07:00

XD woooo congrats Mr Navin Ong! your finally a dad! XD
haha havent seen him for sooo many years! my favourite teacher :P

i cant be bother with life anymore, what goes up aways comes down, and down it goes forever.
AHAHA! i wish i can be like a kid! but my rules are simple in life, life is a world of give and take, be nice and i will be nice.. applies to every thing. life is never going your way.. its either you accept it or you dont..life is full of shitty-ness its, just gonna bear with it.. for now, i believe i roam the world alone. i havent found what i am suppose to find. :)

2009-06-18T05:34:00.000-07:00

i am pretty saddened to the fact which happened today.
the truth about humans is that they do not bother if ur ever there or you exist.
how do i say this... i mean I DONT KNOW.. i am soo messed up now.
i feel angry, agitated yet sad.. yet wanting to laugh it all out. i have no idea to which what i want.
I cant believe that i am that stupid to put all my hopes and trust onto the people around me, yet they turn away, pretending not to know me.
everytime i try to speak up, there will definetely be someone that butts in. how fustrated that feeling is. Why cant i just speak my mind first? why are you people so inconsiderate? WHY?
sigh... what so called friends.. i give up ok.. i give up on what i wanted to fight for. i give up that hope of having to change and be better... i give up. No one's my friend... they all are equal human beings who dont dont know me.. i am just a shadow passing by. JUST get out of my life! sigh...

2009-06-17T10:20:00.000-07:00

i drank apple cider (alcohol 8.8%) and i kinda got tipsy, bout to be drunk...
WEEEEEEE chalet days are over. phew i only stayed 1 day out of the 5 days...
i dont wanna quarell with my mum over the topic on friends. i just dont wanna or never will wanna talk about that topic anymore. i give up, i will never get my message across her head. I will just remain defeated in vain. The topic just make me very very very very sad. how do i classify people as friends? seriously how do i? everytime i see the way people act, think about what they act. i dont know if they are my friends. till today, no one is my friend. why? cause they back fire me all the time. how many times i am upset but i just dont voice out. i just keep it to myself so that no one can see my pain. so that no one needs to share my burdens. so that i can continue to live in my darkness that my soul thrives on. i am mentaly mad and i dont kid you on that. i am crazy.
whatever...
WHATEVER WITH HUMANS.....
whatever with me and my crazy ideas
i dont deserve to be alive...
no.. not in this corrupted world..
i am sad...
lord, what's my purpose in life... i am still not knowing it..
or maybe i already know but... i am just not accepting it...
GAHHH XDDDDDDDDDD

2009-06-16T21:26:00.001-07:00

oh GOD.. its not that i wanna be racist to the fact that most malays are fuck up inconsiderate.
THEY just are. i am never racist to malays but if you want to step on my line, i will. firstly, my room is H 1809, the pit right outside of the main door is MY pit. guess what? malays occupy them AS IF its theirs. i wanted to used my computer and I fcking cant. NVM, thats the first day.
PEOPLE FROM ABOVE sang karaoke AT NIGHT! dragging the chair or what so ever that is. I didnt even sleep a wink can? HELLO please la.. be more considerate can or not? in the middle of the night i went out of the room about 3, those malays from rooms away stilllllll FCKING occupying my Pit sit! OMG, just go somewhere else will you? nvm, went to mac. i cant even use the god damn internet!

FINE.. 2nd day, in the evening.

the people from above or rather calllling them idiots from above. And the fcking thing that i am most unhappy about is that HELLO YOUR THE DAD OF THE FAMILY. YOUR A FCKING GROWN UP. your kids do not have any manners to who's around them or whats aroung them, that i DONT fcking give a damn already ok. Play kids tennis at the aisle knowing that the ball will fall over the latch! HOW dumb are you? I HAVE my steam boat stuff here and CAN U FCKING open your eyes and seee that its MADE OF GLASS and the WATer IS BOILING! what if the ball hits the cooker? what if the water spills over anyone nearby WHO"S gonna be taking the responsibility? YOU! you know YOU! you jackass. there's so much space elsewhere that you can play please FCK away from my pit. The next thing that really made me boil is that MY DAD TOOK THE TIME TO PREPARE THE FOOD FOR US, and what did you do? INCONSIDERATELY BLOW BUBBLES FROM WHERE U ARE STANDING. AND PLEASE BE FCKING CLEVER THAT WHEN YOU ARE AT FAULT YOU DO NOT FCKING BLAME THE DAMN WIND! THE WIND'S NOT GONNA TAKE BLOODY RESPONSIBILITY FOR YOU!
apologize with every sentence I SAY ITs NOT GOING TO HELP! you wanna apologized YOU FCKING cOME DOWN AND WASH THE VEGETABLES FOR ME! if the bubbles landed on the food i already told myself, if you do that the second time and I HAVE TO WASH IT THE SECOND TIME your FCKING GONNA get it from ME! son of a bastard! TOOO bad, your pathetic bubbles landed on my foood once again! you seriously dont wanna step on my line you will get hell. I WILL buy BOTTLES OF BUBBLES AND PLAY WHEN YOUR COOKING YOUR BBQ FOOD YOU BASTARD. LETS SEE IF YOU GOD DAMN LIKE IT! I HOPE YOU BURN IN HELL! DIE! you DONT DESERVE TO LIVE! I HATE YOU PUNY MISERABLE INCONSIDERATE FUCKED UP HUMANS. GET LOST! if i were god, i will let you die in misery! suffer the PAIN!

i say it already, you mess with anything from my family or MY FAMILY MEMBERS you fcking get it all from ME! pssssh offf !

2009-06-14T11:17:00.000-07:00

hmmm.. whats so good about smoking?
ok the truth is, i hadnt have the dare to try it yet cause i know i might be addicted to it.
my online mates smoke, >.< ok they are none of my business BUT noooo stop smoking will ya?!
is smoking that fun? seriously i wonder.. but just think about all that tabaco in your body! yucks tar. sigh, and POLLUTION to the environment.

its currently 230 and i am hungry again after 5 hours.. odd... my food's not even finish digesting..
but whatever, not gonna do anything about it.
i havent had time to think much about these past few days. Rather, nothing much happened that i could think of so i am still keeping cool :) numbed to the fact that the world is changing so much, i cannot help every single body. To be what they are, who they are. i cant even help myself, such that i am a failure.. of myself. hmm its true that i am wierd, how many times do people not see what they are doing and continue to make the same mistakes despite tons of reminder? a million times, millions of human do the same. they never realized that they at some point of time is at fault. everyone wants to be right, never wanting to be wrong. i feel annoyed at that, sad too.
why is the world soo corrupted and polluted? why are we such sinners?

all i can do is sigh greatly.. thats all i can say.

2009-06-13T05:57:00.000-07:00

The most disasterous thing happened today!
I dont really know whether to rage in anger or to laugh.. but No.. i have to control my anger, so in the end i laugh it all out..AHHH!
Seriously, even if i am the eldest in the family, I AM NOT the kind of person who will tolerate childish behaviors esp people who act childish when they are already 17. As in literally acting like a baby and being annoying. Sadly, i was in my good mood today so i just ignore my FRIEND... named RUBY who is also known as purple monster. You wont wanna be in my situation..i just let her act like a baby WHINING all the way from rowell's house to the bus interchange with people staring towards us.. i wanted to laugh But i cant cause it will just make her say more... OMG... seriously she can really nag, i am soooo scared of her voice now. didnt have a choice but called joeyeee FOR HELP... hahahaha just to keep me a little distracted..
phew... i wont be seeing her till like next week REJOICE man..

2009-06-12T09:40:00.000-07:00

OKAY, basically i have finally finished PRISON BREAK the movie
amg you should watch it!!! its kinda awesome but short though...

EUGENE CHUA owes me 12 bucks and he promises to return it. If he doesnt, ITS GONNA BE DOUBLE PLUS WITH INTEREST 200%! you hear me?! hahaha XD just trying to be funny but seriously NO one messes with me! >:D RAWR!!

i have been enduring the urge to step into the virtual world today.. well, have been in school since like 11:30 am till 8:30 amg! 9 freaking HOURS!! to do intht.. gah! the worst thing is cant go onto puzzle pirates.. its so tempting, i try to log on but too bad the school's internet sucks.. so did undermanned pilly with myself XD 5 battles won, earned from 57k to 60k amg!! acheivement! but still didnt beat my highest record of 10k earned a day just on pillying. XD awesomeness but it seems like i am freezing very badly in my room..

i cant wait... or rather NO i dont wanna go for dpa ig first running trip Lol... i kinda dread to go but since it ends at 3 the Whatever, i am gonna enjoyyyy woooooo. XD awesomeness!! 6 hours of sleep left.. gah.. i am turning into a big panda :( panda eyes, flaming!! burning man.. and it hurts as well :( sigh....
okok night night
i shall goooooo to bed this instance!

2009-06-09T08:52:00.000-07:00

its rather sad to see that when your friend runs away from home..
I know that at times we make mistakes, our parents make mistakes. By left or by right, whether your adopted, or from a broken family.. our parents will always be our parents. People dont appreciated the things, big or small done by the people around them. At times, our parents chase us out of our own homes without money, phone... these times i still remember clearly how i spent my entire day just sitting at the void deck thinking and crying..feeling fustrated and angry at the same time. Still, i have to return home. Parents never mean what they say, words like go and die, dont have you also better, dont wish to see you around.. go find yourself another better mother or father, useless! hopeless!.. All these words are termed as verbal abuse, commonly used in countries like ours. Well, those are just words spoken with out of angry and out of zero thoughts about how the opposing party would feel.

i cherish my family alot. Despite all they did to make me upset, angry or feel abused, i still treat them as the most important people in my life. No one can replace your own family members for the fact that we depend on them for survival, for shelter, for love. At times, i just feel like running away from home. But i didnt. I believe parents scold or nag for some reasons.. sometimes thinking back there is a problem behind all that. But even when there isnt a problem, talking things out without getting in a heated arguement will help to see the real problem and also uncover the things about the other party.

believe it or not, i have no idea why i wanted to blog about this. i just feel that us aged 17 and above should be mature enough to think about what will happen next. If family isnt the top priority then i have nothing much to say but just one word. Inconsiderate.

ahh well.. just wanted to help my friend but it seem like she dont want help, thus i shouldnt bother at all. its her life, not mine. if ended up in the wrong route.. its her not me. sometimes it just takes stubborness to make me kill my thoughts of help.
i am stubborn, but i really appreciate all the help i could get. i dont show, doesnt mean i dont bother.. i bother about every singel thing that happened.. everything that people have done. its just not me to be too emotional and all that.. but just bear in mind.. i watch and learn. if your mean, you will get the same things back. if your nice, i will be nice.. its life... life works this way...

2009-06-08T21:37:00.000-07:00

mmm, rise and shine to a new day.
its another boring day of my life where i stone at home in my room facing the 4 walls like what mental paitients do in the IMH. Fun and exciting life isnt it?
HELL NO... I WANNA GO OUT.. SOMEONE PLEEEEEASE take me out of my miserable room...
sigh. projects projects.. cant even go out to walk.. mmm or maybe i am just lazy to step out of my room to even have lunch. Its like being stuck in your own container >.<
i am tired... june didnt even say bye when she logged off.. sigh... i have no idea when she will be online again.
seriously i feel like i am talking to myself through the blog lol!
i blog whenever i am bored... so blogger has become my tag board! wooo

2009-06-08T10:52:00.000-07:00

how i wish i could just spend my life laughing all my emotions out.. be it sad or happy or angry
i would just laugh it all out. there's something that's bugging me... something telling me that i am very dissastified with a particular thing. i just cannot figure out what that is.. the fustrated feeling lingers.. then it turns into sadness.. something which i cannot describe..
i am back to putting on that mask of mine.. pretending to be happy when i know i am not. its hard to put on a smile everyday. but the mask helps me to cover up.. everything that i so long wanted is at ease when its on.. sometimes, i cant help feeling sad all over again. sadness is my form of happiness. its just too beautiful to let go of that feeling. sigh...

2009-06-08T09:41:00.000-07:00

hey peep!
>.> me?
yea you!!
ahh okie me..

spent the entire day at kim's house to do project. In the end i was slacking LOL.. its just not my time for group project. i just cant sit down to do stuff when i am tired. so while the others cracked their heads, i tried to do something. Well, didnt do much in the end cause its like >.< i dont have the lappy to myself.. cant do checking cause the internet's real slow.. but whatever...
and so by the time i reach toa payoh, it was 9.. AHHH.. no dinner yet!!! soo hungry but all the shops ganged against me!.. :( no food to buy, shops all closed.
no choice, i went to buy coffee bean and cheese burger. what horrible combination. gah... went home played game for awhile then did my field trip report. WOO i am done! and i finally chased the beetle out of my house! :D

i rawk.

ah wells more things to do tomorrow shall end here.

i have decided to move on with my life..
but the sorrows within me will never die...
it is what i am made up of...
i wont give up.. neither will i try.. ill just follow the wind.. and head to where i am suppose to be..
i have found what i needed to find.. i have lost what i needed to let go.. now its time to just say good bye...

2009-06-07T08:46:00.000-07:00

HAHA! we went to the ZOO!!

i love playing zoo tycoon 2 though. ah ha no link..

anyway, YES! i can finally start doing my WOOOORRRK! which was on pending for weeks.

ah well, it was rather fun with my FAT brother haha and my dad.

picture time!! XD maybe not.. i am lazy to upload.. but ill just show the turtle one.

thats my best shot :P

2009-06-06T09:49:00.000-07:00

haha, happened to chance upon James blog. He's a funny guy. XD joker of the class but it seems like he's changed now.. alot though. i just hope his life will be better..
yup anyway i just kinda feel sad bout some stuff for him.. ah well, its for him to choose, not my life. idk, when i reached school this afternoon with wee tat and friends, he ran towards us and had a friendly chat with the drink stall aunty and me. i promised to catch up bout life with him someday. Its been rather long since we chat though. i dont even know where he is studying!... known him for 4 years and that. yups. i think his gf wasnt happy cause i saw her left with her friend... and then in the hall, i kinda said hey... sit here!!.. i think she didnt like it... ah well, body expressions are just obvious... and straight forward. even before when she came toward my side, her face changed totally. i mean from what i know about her is that she dont look to be that type of person. so i told james when she left to the toilet that her gf is angry... i suggest you step back in sitting like beside me just to chat.. oh jeez... made my bday life miserable.. i cant even chat with my friend like happily... sigh...

idk.. i wonder, why does he still stick with her. she cried in the hall and i suppose james wasnt much happy either.... ah well, its sad that when people become to controlling over one else's life.
Then, i read his blog. wow, i totally agree with him that sadness is a beautiful feeling. its just like happiness.. sometimes.. i just live tooo much with sadness that i just drown myself into a black pool of nothingness..
its not self pity, i did a read up on self pity.. but seriously... i am not dwelling on self pity. Instead i think i am just living in the world of people's shoes. everytime i try to understand someone elses problems, it becomes my burndens.. it becomes my sadness.. because it allowed me to be able to see how corrupted this world is. how unforgiving this world is. what humans do to other humans. i just feel sad for the world.. the entire world. when sadness turns to hate, my bottle of rage increases. just piling, just waiting to explode. i am interested in humans.. they way one reacts.. why are we this way.. sometimes, i do things on purpose just to know more.
when i am really sad, i cannot find words in this world to describe. i just use words that represents me.. sometime people never understand.

they always say love yourself so that you will find your happiness within. or your not loving yourself enough to see what's installed for you next. or life isnt that bad, think positive and everything will be fine. truely, its all a lie. nothing in this world symbolizes happiness for me. i am a lost kid who's still trying to find my identity. sigh.. all these problems in the world never ends. thus my burdens never ends too..

2009-06-06T09:41:00.000-07:00

ahh, finally my bday is over...
i seriously didnt enjoy today...
just didnt feel right... i think i feel more sad then sad lol... like god... wth is my problem..
TELL MEEE...
sigh..
emo..

2009-06-06T05:06:00.000-07:00

haha, went to the band concert. I would say i am just donating 10 bucks to the band :)
well, the intenary was boring like.. BORING..
had Aijisen for lunch at J8 with shawn, wee tat and leon and shawn's bro. Basically the guys.zzz
the only funny thing about the guys is that they act almost totally decent in the restaurant :O
not like the tp dpa dudes i hang out with.. so much words and nonsense.haha, lunch was sooo quiet. yeah so we bused to amk, walked to school and then waited for concert to start.
Didnt really enjoy much today...
Just happy that my pp dudes know my bday haha XD
okies.. i bought myself plenty of gummybears from minitoons.
ill munch on them which watching the vids joeyee posted on her blog :)

i'd be heading to the zoo tmr WOOO... stinky hahahah

alright...so much for being 17.. not enjoying my day :)

2009-06-05T07:35:00.000-07:00

Woke up feeling tired today, but i am glad god gave me a good day.
Hmm, i am not good at expressing my thanks so, thank you to the class :)
Although birthday doesnt mean anything special to me, but i really really thank you all for remembering. It just makes my day whether i receive any present or not. i havent celebrated my birthdays with friends for a very long time. I dont even think i have party for any birthday occasion LOL! kinda sad though but i live well with it. So this year is a year without birthday cake from my family but with my friends :)
mmm... i only know i was nervous XDD lol...

headed out to TM for lunch (qi ji) with the usual 5 ppl eugene, rafiqa, li xin and joeyee and me.
haha.. kind crapped a lot. In the end only joeyee me and rafiqa headed to kallang leisure park to meet ke ai ru... aka FATTY! lol.. and the usuals, both khai and rafiqa quarrell about starbucks and coffee bean LOL. yeah. today was a day where the girls follow da one and only guy to do shopping cause he got his pay LOL... so he bought a camera bag for 20 buck and was sooo freaking happy? haha, he's happy. headed to raffles city and then to penisular. alot of rubbish going on during the journey YEPP. fun. poor khai though, he over spent his pay!! XDD left with like soo little.. and he still wanna shop..
ahhh, be a little spendthrift matey..

lost my gunning GM stat to master like wtf..
came home and did project and THEN lost my file.. redoo
i almost cried... MY HARD WORK AND TIS MISSING!!! AHHHH...
sigh no choice but to redo ...:(
but i am done now so yep
my fried char quay teow is back cyaaa!! i am like a hungry pig

2009-06-04T07:11:00.000-07:00

i guess i am not the only one who sees the world as such hopeless and corrupted
hahaha! there's someone out there who see things the way i see.

I havent been thinking lately soo my mood's all fine now. No sadness to haunt me till the big day is over. mmm.. just kinda upset that no one understand's what i see, that when i needed someone, i just couldnt find any. There's so many people out there who are willing to help but what i see in their help is just a facade. They always say they have gone through this and that, what i know is that, its impossible unless your a 100 years old. Seriously, i think no one bothers whether i exist in this world or not. People ask me to shoo off, they think am useless, dont need me.. I am like the ghost that floats by now and then just to peep around and try to see if i can do stuff to help or not. The people around me are just too busy with their own lives to even spare me 1 min of their time just for a friendly chat to catch up with what we've been missing on. My life on earth has been a pretty unpleasant one.

Oh Oh! The funniest thing about this is that, when your on the edge and feeling like giving up, sitting on the rooftop.. just waiting for that moment. Then people start seeing that you exist, and then you become the main attraction in life. They take note of who you are, more love from friends and family. Termed as depressed and sent to the institute of mental health for psychological check ups. lol! how much more funny can this be. Humans are selfish creatures who never treasure what they have. Not until when something happens or when they lose someone..ahh well, i despise humans.. i despise myself being one. This is the only comment i will have for this topic.

True enough, this sadness in me will never go away until i find what's the reason. >.> my aussie friend ask me to see a doc or some psychologist... i might be depressed HAHAHA!... tell that to the hand matey. i will never term myself as terminally ill. I dont want to be treated like i am some odd dude. ahh yeah.. i was doing reading up on health issues.. ^.^ feeds more knoweldge to my brain.. I AM AN EXPERT NOW!! wooo hoo. ill just continue to live in my own world of fantasy :)
FRIENDS... mmm nah nothing of the sort that i know :)

2009-06-04T05:59:00.001-07:00

AMOS ONG WEI YANG..you suck..
even though ur my neighbour how could you let the entire world know???
haha and omg la ppl.. my wish is not that yeah... seriously i have not thought about that for even once in my life! too bad even if you cant fulfil that wish which is not even something that i want. you cant fulfil the wish i want either. I WANT A GRAND PIANO. mmm maybe i should change the sequence.. i want a house, a sound proof room then a grand piano. then more instruments and MORE instruments. then animals!!! doggy! cat! i want sound systems, recording studio then the entire world. haha i know i am dreaming but yea continue to dream :) HAHA if you fulfil my wish, then your girlfriend will leave you! :P cause ur broke MUA HAHAHAHA

oh jeepers.. hahahaha serves him right for making fun of me..
RAWR!!!

2009-06-03T08:03:00.000-07:00

and i was thinking about it.. mm
i suppose i know why i'd blank during the exams.. i know why i am stressing myself soo much for. lol.. i just want good results and knowing i cannot fail, pressure builds. it just like my stage fright. the exam hall represents my stage. whenever i sit at the piano infront of the invigilator or crowd. i fear i'd play wrongly. after soo much practice i just cannot make a mistake because its so obvious to the audience. mmm
i wonder how i can actually overcome that..

have been way too tired for the entire day. just didnt feel like studying BUT... no just study.. so i am going to even though i am about to fall asleep again. thats the 3rd time i fell asleep in a day LOL

2009-06-02T09:16:00.000-07:00

Was talking to fiqah on the way home today. jeepers, hadnt seen her for weeks>.> and she's saying that i never visit her -.- which isnt true. she just dont have the time LOL. now it's her fault :P and then i was in the very.. erm quiet moment yeah soo i was kinda monotone the whole entire convo...

idk fiqah, i think i might have change alot due to recent self problems.. just needed to quieten down a little. yeah... and its not because i have a boy friend you doofus.. no matter how many times you tell me that ill just deny it >.> cause i have none.. you know me, hopeless case in the world lol. yeah yeah and go find yourself some korean hot guy >.> i so bet you that that will only come true in your dreams. :P sorry i am mean :P
but i am mean in a nice way, nice tone :P
miss ya :)

And what a good friend you are... YOU LEAVE ME TO DIE on sat by myself I AM SOOO sad...how can you do this??! omg.... :(( i am really really sad.. i do hope you will go to the concert, with your sis WHO SQUASHED me during practice 2006 and my lovely spectacles broke.... and syakirah!!! amg i miss annoying shark XD
hahaha funny moments.
anyway pftt you!
perry's the man!...
XD i can always count on perry if i ever go visit the band alone
BLEAH TO YOU mate...

good day :)

2009-06-02T06:47:00.000-07:00

well, i think i have withdraw from life :)

i know i am running from life's reality but i just dont wanna face it. idk.. "love life so that life will love you back" from my friend, i think i've tried doing that.. but things arent going well at anyways. Somehow or another, my problems are somewhat something someone else cannot solve for me. Its within me no matter how much i try to change myself to be someone else, i just fail to all the time. i would wanna fight for the things i want, but if i am not permitted to then ill just give up without trying. my mood's fine now, but its just on the edge of fine... i just hope that by keeping away from thinking about life i'd be happy.

Although its kinda like living in denial i dont mind. i am just feeling sorry that i couldnt let myself overcome my problems by talking it out with someone i could trust. Maybe i dont even trust myself. Or maybe there's no one whom i could even talk to.. its annoying when you just feel like talking and yet fearing that the other party doesnt understand and find that you are annoying. Everytime i scroll down that list of contacts.. there are afew that i would call. But then eventually i dont, cause i know i'd either be disturbing or not even talking bout what i wanna talk. these problems have been lingering since i was sec1.. its not gone away..

i really dont know how to help myself face all this problems that just keep comming in everyday. i'd even get fustrated that i dont have holidays for myself. how much i want just to spend my birthday with my friends.. receive presents.. i dont have that in my childhood. haha wanting it now just make me childish. i have come to a point where i realized birthdays arent important to me anymore.

sigh, i dont know what i want now. i only know i wanna study hard to make up for my losses in the past. But i am really just giving myself too much stress that i can handle.. my best mate tells me not to stress like 3 times in a convo.. when her jc work load is so much more stressing than mine. sigh.. i feel so useless... nothing that i can do properly, everytime getting told that i never do things right.. its my fault, yes it all is.. just blame me.. put all the blame on me.. i dont bother, dont care.. i am nothing in this world anyway.. it doesnt even matter to anyone if i was alive or not.. maybe i should have ended it when i was young..

sigh...

2009-06-02T05:59:00.000-07:00

2009-06-01T06:53:00.000-07:00

its just 2 and a half cap diluted with 100 ml of sprite and i am pretty mych tipsy.. lol i am not typing properly either.. amg... 5 times of repeated mistakes... ok i think i beeeter go to bed.. nightsss.

2009-05-31T04:27:00.000-07:00

i am seriously sick of this world...

Everytime i wanna invite my friends down to a bbq or some house event, i have to think of who to invite. I wanna invite everyone, seriously how i wished i could. The only big fat main problems that lies here now is that my crappy mum says this " so troublesome to invite malays" no offences but food preparation wise, yes. From my stand point, i'd say FUCK. Basically i got upset in the morning because i got so pissed off with having the people in mind whom i wanna invite yet i have problems doing it. Almost got into a huge quarrell with my mum, over what she say.
To me if since she already say its troublesome then ill make it simple for her. DONT EVEN BOTHER TO INVITE anyone. Her dumb words just let people see through the meaning of Dont invite the troublesome people. Fuck it, you call my friends troublesome? WAIT... i dont even think i have friends. Since she has so many friends, why dont she just invite hers? DAMN you man. your trying to piss me off using the word friends again. I was angry that i closed the door to study and i think she knows it BUT seriously she's freaking not helping at all. She comes in and then say "why? you dont have friends to invite?" OMG.. you know how much that question pains me everytime i think about it. HELL, i would have blasted at her with " oh my fucking god! Now you say i dont have friends? wtf I WANNA INVITE THEM but since you say its troublesome I AINT INVITING NOBODY! just fuck off my line before i do something to get you over board, cause a divorce and I WILL BE HAPPY ABOUT IT". But control my anger man, control. I have soo much to say, yet i cant voice out. She thinks its ME who's rude for voicing out. What am i suppose to do then? Keep it to myself till one day i burst out and take a knife then stab you in your heart?

Stop going overboard with the word friends! I KNOW I DONT HAVE ANY so just fuck off with the many friends you have. The "Friends" whom you trusted yet they back fire you! Dont ever tell me your problems with your Friends. Not interested anymore with you and your own problems. I REALLY wonder how dad take your complains EVERY SINGLE DAY... NUB!

pssssh!

2009-05-31T03:18:00.000-07:00

i am having a really bad shoulder and my neck's falling off
oh god the ache is really bad.
i am tired i ma go to bed nights

2009-05-30T13:19:00.000-07:00

this is the funniest website i've come across for years to come that i typed in google search:life sucks and this webbie came out!http://www.lifesucks.info/conclusion.html
half of this kinda relate to me. LIFE just sucks >.<>.< life just suck lol... how much i think of wanting to, i will never.
Then the next thing is NO! i am not seeing the therapist.. freak them! i aint depressed or i think i medically am LOL.. i hate the doctors anyway. i hate to be termed depressed... cause i know i aint... and yet i am.AHH fuck stop that contradiction! >.> next would be that i seriously find my life filled with emptiness, there's no one that i could rely on, no one that i could talk to and dare share my problems with. its just saddening when life goes this way... i am sad SAD...like totally.
i am a sad sad sad kiddo nothing can beat the sadness that resides in me.
ah well, i am not sad now but i was previously.
mmm....

i am KILLING myself with all that self imposed stress.
its starting to get annoying and its annoying me out.
RAWR... its 4 30 am
i am sprouting rubbish :)

2009-05-30T08:26:00.000-07:00

oh sweet, i wished i was dead now.
then again, i drank too much... therefore its a little sad to be a little drunk and more sad...
my mind's telling me to just go to bed.. >:D but i needa study :(
the score board says its 1 for now, i am waiting to see if this works tomorrow morning.
blade's always not sharp though >.<
oh its working, anyway.. i am sick and tired of this life i am leading..
i wanna drift myself into a world where no one can find me, where i can stop hearing all the naggings, where i can roam freely without having to think. a place where i see all my fantasy come alive, where i see all my aspirations come true. an illusion that tells me everything's fine.
i feel as if i am trying to explain things in an odd manner. most of the time no one understands. WHY?! is it that hard? I am not speaking alien, i am speaking English! ENGLISH you fools!
and then again, life just goes on as it is.. being unheard... being unseen, like some invisible creature that roams the world. NO one cares... no one shows love... ive fallen deep to a place where i can no longer trust anyone nor see the beauty that lies within them.. all i see is hate, the fury, the anger placed onto the world. how i wish i was someone else... or rather not born into this world.. how i wished i live my life to who i am.. how i wished i dont have to cry to sleep every night.. how i wished i could just forget the person i am.. how i wished i could die.
everytime i just imagine the need to stand at the edge of a tall sky scraper, looking down at the world, people like ants. then taken by then wind, i'd be dead. Ill just laugh it all out. why do i still hold on to the value of life when i have already given up?
i am sad.. really sad... i am sad to be who i am.. i am sad of what i am...
i'm useless.
useless to everyone..
just let me die..

2009-05-30T04:33:00.000-07:00

>.>.... i guess the captain's not happy
ah well, petty kid thinks i am talking behind her back o.o
which i only told lil, ric and jippy happen to read off the issue board and 3 of them happened to ask her.. LOL... and i already said i was posting it >.> this kid is odd.. really
i know she dont like me and neither do i like her :P so i shouldnt feel guilty for pissing her off but instead i should be happy like totally. i am evil. >:D

2009-05-29T22:42:00.000-07:00

This was the most randomness thing that happened today when gummy's not around.
For a hell lot of reason, there's guy named Growlybear too in the crew and immediately i was
:O are you here because of grizzlybear (aka gummybears)? your bear-y partner isnt online >.>

And so, when gummy my lovely crew captain logged on i immediately bombarded her with questions. here goes:

Worldpianist says, "GUMMY"
Worldpianist says, "are u marring growlybear?"
Worldpianist says, "since yer called grizzly too"
Worldpianist says, "grizzly and growly"
Worldpianist says, "WOOO matches"
Worldpianist sticks out a tongue
Gummybears says, "wp! :))"
Worldpianist says, "u are? are u?"
Gummybears says, "yus?"
Gummybears sticks out a tongue
Worldpianist says, "WOOO"
Worldpianist says, "i am so posting this"

Ecclesiates aka Ecc is soo totally involved in this. HE's DA PASTOR! woooo.. the marriage commence in 2 mins :P byeeee
just kidding :P

2009-05-29T07:43:00.000-07:00

seriously, i dont know what happened to me last night.
i must be ill...

2009-05-28T09:10:00.000-07:00

i am sooo tired.. but id force myself to lose my sleep and study..
ill just die tmr morning from exhausation..

oh yea, i am slow on the news lately... h1n1 already hit Singapore and i still didnt know bout it >.<
john totally forgot who i am..zzz
nvm, i shall be forgiving. i cant be bothered either, somehow i just wished the world never knew i existed....
i feel as if the world's falling apart.. its already starting to crash upon me..sigh... i dont know why people always have conflicts with each other. why cant people just be nice and not be mean to each other? although i could say that now, i'd be also doing it. well seriously, i wish to give up trying. but something's telling me hang in there.. so i'd just hang in there. for years, for months i have been haning in there. till today, i wonder what it really means by hanging in there anymore. i totally have no idea what nonsense am i sprouting now, i just feel fed up, annoyed, soo pissed off with the world. i just couldnt see the nice words to describe the world. ahhh..., only i know what i am refering to..
i was talking to joeyee today, sitted outside the tutorial room waiting for the time to pass. she said something about her friend, being the kind of person that dont like people to step into their sad lives. then i replied, well, you wont understand how we feel, we see things from a perspective that no one elses see. we feel, feel so much for the world, yet no good gains from it. the problems we face are not ordinary problems. sometimes, my problems haunt me for life.. those problems are memories that i have gone through.. those hard and darkest period of life. they never leave, its just like regrets. living with a scar cut so deep, that even time can never heal. i hate who i am, i hate the fact that i am living in this polluted world. many at times i wished i was someone else, someone who cant see what i see, cant feel what i feel.. just being ignorant to whats happening. to roam the world with freedom, spoilt, dependent... just to be someone else, i try to change.. who am i? till today, half the time i think i know who i am , yet the other half tells me i am stilll lost in my own parrallel world.

yet, why should i change?
who am i to be pleasing? over something that my mum said, i dont have friends. Yes! i dont!.. so what? i dont need a friend, i dont have to purposely make friends just to show her that i have friends just like she did. why the constant comparison? why do i have to be like her?... it just pains me at times to feel this way.. to feel like a loser in a group, to be incompetent with the people around me. whatever, till the day i'd be standing up on a skyscraper, telling myself life isnt worthwhile.Thats the time when my mind is cleared up, i have made my decision.. take my life or not, this is up to the path where i am heading to.

the line ends here, i give up totally.

2009-05-28T04:53:00.001-07:00

ahhh, PROJECTSSSS AMG>.<
i love one to one convos :) although it makes me sad at times to think about who i am.
i think i have personality problems hahahaha the in ability to expresss myself.. zzz
I AM TRYING TO CHANGE...
change .... nah i will never change..
ahh see, the contradiction now.. my head says this, my heart says that..
thats what happens when i really type it out..
lemme get my thoughts straight first then ill blog..
pftt off to study..

2009-05-27T10:47:00.000-07:00

i am still awake but i have finally like complete my pom work :P soo awesome man although its like sooo difficult to keep it to 3 pages when you just have so much to write. hong yi was kinda pissed off by it XD ah well, cant blame him. he's nice enough to help me with the script compiling hehe. its like currently 2 in the morning, i think i wont be sleeping tonight, maybe just nap a while before going to school. the air con in my room is really very cold and my fingers are stiff lol in a curved position :P so i am still able to type but not quick. <---- random stuff

what i wanted to blog was about music lyrics WOOOO!.. thanks to the guitar, it inspired me to do some lyrics writing and i have come up with the first 4 lines XD awesome aint it. its kinda hard to keep it in tune for some reason. bad vocals,cant sing high and i'd get a bad throat after that haha! i am already coughing bleah...NOOOOO i cannot lose my voice hahahha!

and awwie for rafiqa, hope she gets well QUICK... its aweful to feel sick. although its good to fall sick once in a while lol!.

Jezzy's(gah!, ill call her june instead) recovering fine and i am happy. well, you could say NOT really that happy cause i dont know how to react when it comes to this kind of stuff..>.> lol showing of concern? i am a failure in that.ginger did ask if i wanted to mail her what i want to say to jez. i declined HAHA!.. i am heartless. :) ah well good nights

2009-05-27T06:29:00.000-07:00

hehe, sucks that i am having a major headache today. it kinda got better when i was sleeping on the bus on the way home. eventually, i decided to use the computer awhile hoping to be able to like do some error checking for pom. Big bird hasnt sent me the stuff!!... 9 30 already!!>.< i think i dont have to sleep already tonight. ohh, my darling monster replied mee! by 10! latest 1030!! ok i am destined not to sleep tonight :)
But i am happy that i am script checking:P

i am determine to start revising tmr or friday
literally just sit down and be like FLASH, zoom! well, what i meant by that is NOT just sitting down and nothing getting into my head but rather being efficient so i'd cope with both pom and econs at the same time LOL!

ahhh, i was having some thoughts running through my head just now lol! typically mah bad dreams. some stuff that i kinda left behind but its back to tag along with me. oh well, i'd let that be. my feelings are numbed >.> like totally, too tired to think :P i am tired to think for the people around me. tired to put myself in other people's shoes like what i did for a million years, no one appreciates. i am tired of explaning, tired of answering, tired of dragging myself for the extra mile when no one bothers. i wanna cease to exist, i wanna break down and pour my sorrows out to the lord. i just feel so sad now.. those sorrowful things still exist in my life, those sad memories never left. i wonder when will it even leave me. its been days i kept myself away from thinking, for fear ill go back to the usual me. now, i really think i cant hold on to who i am anymore. i need my dark side, i need to think, i need to feel the sadness, before i can play a music piece with all that disruptive emotions. i need my inspiration back, i dont wanna live the happy life. when the beat crashes the tempo, i'd lose myself entirely, thats when i'd just let reality crash upon me.

how do i say this, no one can relate to how i feel about the world. no one can stand on the same side as i do, no one can understand my thoughts because all that i am writing, i am the only one who understands what it means. sigh..
with all that anger, all that rage, soon i'd be commiting something that i hadnt done before. kill a person or beat someone up. o.o thats so not me <,< I DID NOT WRITE THAT..... i've cut myself but thats like something very dumb -.- to think i'd do that just because i was angry. haha
silly rebecca.

anyway HAPPY BIRTHDAY JOAKY (a.k.a linkeh by cookie)! loves u hun, >.> but u shouldnt be drinking till u say i am wearing pink when its white cardigans. ahh, just enjoy yourself today and do great with your final exams. u cannot fail this time :P hope to see you soon back on pp. miss ya. haha! lil's declared she's with fwenny :O she stole my game partner :P who cares. so it goes like this, ric and cookeh, lil and fwenny, me, myself and I hahah!.. i always seem to be the odd one out lawl. i love them. they rawk. much more fun to be with than my regular peeps. woops sorry and offenceless.

lastly before i conclude this post, ahh i have got worky.. forget bout it XD
script writing here we COME!

2009-05-26T05:37:00.000-07:00

hehe, i am falling in love with MUSIC woooo
>.> i wanna a electric piano, then a grand piano, then other band instruments!!!!
AHHH pftt..
i should start trying music writing. :P
sadly i dont have a good voice XD broke it.. i mean damaged it when i was little :P
hahahahha!!!

2009-05-25T07:10:00.001-07:00

omg can... haha my junior knows what and who i am referring too
oh well in any other case, YAY! he's going to the concert XDDD havent seen him like sooo darn long!.. :P squabbles, bickers :P life was great then hahaha too bad geminis are logger heads.
hee hee, i am in my own happy world again, dreaming :P

2009-05-25T04:39:00.000-07:00

wooo...today kinda rawked alot. although i kinda skipped lecture
oh well, i am in my happy happy world. no one can disturb mee :D

Kutless - More Than It Seems Lyrics

Is my imagination running away
Or is all this really happening to me
Am I a prince in a far away land filled with fantasy
Where is reality and what are the actions that will define who I am?
I am holding onto the visions
I've seen of what
I could be
It's what I should be

Chorus
More than it seems these dreams inside (show me the way to these dreams)
Blur reality's line ('til there's nothing that's left of me)
If I could believe the dreams aside (show me the way to these dreams)
I am capable more than it seems

Passing through darkness into my own world
Will I be more than when I left (than when I left)
Never letting go of the lessons I learned
This will make a change
A change within me

Chorus
More than it seems these dreams inside (show me the way to these dreams)
Blur reality's line ('til there's nothing that's left of me)
If I could believe the dreams aside (show me the way to these dreams)
I am capable more than it seems

This time I won't run away
I found the strength to face life's long days
This time I won't run away

Chorus
More than it seems these dreams inside (show me the way to these dreams)
Blur reality's line ('til there's nothing that's left of me)
If I could believe the dreams aside (show me the way to these dreams)
I am capable more than it seems'
Til there's nothing left of me
Show me the way to these dreams

2009-05-23T08:36:00.000-07:00

WELCOME BACK! XD

polite, courtesy and manners :) important!

By any fact, i happened to be bored and chance upon yan ling's blog.
i dont know why but i just felt like reading what's been going on with people's life.
i feel the curiosity building in me, wanting to know more bout what life is.
heh, personal thoughts etc, these have become the most important things to me these days.
everything that one expresses or have said will affect me greatly if i choose to take it the wrong or good way. i just dont seem to be able to tell myself : HEY! life is yours, you take it in your own hands. Whether the other party makes you angry, just let it go. Its their mouth, on their face. They will regret someday later for being mean.

oh well.. about that mask, i am finally and no longer hiding behind it. i am happy, seriously happy and cannot be even happier. Although i am still currently struggling to keep my swings in consistant order like trying to be happy for the next 1 month and for the rest of my life. I wanna be like Jippy, she's so happy all the time, she never gets angry and chills quickly whenever she is. i just feel that life should be that way, carefree and easy, needless of having to be angry with people all the time. Hiding behind that mask just tell me that i am such a looser... never once cherished my life, always having the thoughts of wanting to leave the world. I was looking through that memory box of mine where i dumped all my cards and letters. I was reading my god sis letter again XD and as usual, i'd read the 2nd last box of words. those words are words of encouragement when i was feeling so low bout myself, helped me remember who i was, and that i should love myself. :) i think till today, i still depended much on those words. make me sadd even more because i was sooooo dumb!!.. seriously i have NEVER talked to my god sis face to face before lol!... i just feel inferior whenever someone tries to get close to me offering help..

hehehe and on that day when i was out with zhenyi, she kinda let me understand more about human beheaviour. The things they would do just to boost their moral. :D kinda interesting! There was a post that i commented bout me despising humans. truely i do despise humans. i do despise myself at times for being the me that i am, the creature that deserves to die. If adam and eve hadnt lied to god, the us today would be of a total different character. There was a question that i had asked many people and i got no answers. I think i have seriously came to a point where i dig too deep into the depths of the wonders and secrets of the world. Some things are what human cannot explain and i so wish to find out.

The reason why i am drawing so close to god these days is because i could turn to no one about my own problems. Other people too have their own problems and i dont wish to disturb them, adding on the agony onto theirs. Everytime i'd talked to God, he would bring peace into my soul. he'd take away all the problems that i have whenever i cry myself to sleep. he'd always be there to help me whenever i fall, pull me up whenever i needed him the most. i love the Lord, but i am really sorry for not being at church. As long as i continue to put my faith in him... i need to ask him back into my life once again.

Talk about friends.. i really wonder what do the people out there define friend as?
what are the qualities of friends.
i suppose i have set my standards of friends tooo high.. still, most of the times i do not need them. i could survive on my own. Yet, it feels as if i do need them..
i think i've mixed up my emotions and thoughts XD
shall end this longish post for now..

the peace flows through me..praise the lord.

how i wished, missing him lots..its been glad to know you,

and that you are heading on for a better life.

2009-05-23T04:42:00.000-07:00

i had a bad dream again, today's weather was so gloomy and dark. By 4 pm i'd already died from exhaustation from nothing lol. i am just weary,having the worse headache ever. So, i headed to dream land and landed myself on my greatest fears. Oh god... it seriously wasnt pleasant like you would think. it was totally bloody and gory although no ghost, the fear really kept me stuck in that dream. i remembered being awake suddenly and kinda turning slowly to the right, i feared i'd fall and struggled.. couldnt move. couldnt do anything, feeling so heavy,aching all over....finally when i felt the security that i am safely on my back, i went back into the dream i had. i saw someone elses fears, a couple of them. i saw how they overcomed them. when i was back to mine, i couldnt do a single thing to help myself overcome it. the dream gave me a chance from the first, so... after much fighting against my own mind, i woke up and its already 7.
by now, i hadnt had any work done... and i bet i wont be able to sleep tonight..

yawns.... its still lingering in me.. sighh

2009-05-22T19:56:00.000-07:00

life is great this morning, i had this auto wake up machine call cause i didnt turn the phone light off last night. hee scared of ghost as usual. And so, i am currently studying for FnB. i seriously had a head start but i am distracted. hehe, the piano calls for its owner at times and the vid below is the best out of the 30 over recordings i took. :) was kinda happy that there was only one mistake out of the entire piece. well, of course if you do play the piece, there be timing mistakes XD woops shouldnt have said it. yuppy 1 hour to get this final awesome piece done up. enjoy.. Off to continue with study...

2009-05-21T05:57:00.000-07:00

DWEEP!... i am annoyed by the fact of the existance of human.
i do not understand why are humans so selfish, so inconsiderate..
no doubt all of us have feelings, empathy, being nice etc. it just do not leave the fact that we are still being plain humans. humans like us deserved to die, the world is comming to an end in fact..
i hate myself as a human, i hate having to be on this earth. Although all the experience that i have had, the people that i came in contact with, the fun and laughter that i had, the "happiness" i so called had. oh well, if i were an animal, i'd kill the people i hate.i'd devour them, and leave their carcasses behind. i'd protect my own people, my own family, i'd die for what i truely believe. And even after all that, no one can stop me because animals dont think. They do not have feelings to begin with and they do whatever it takes to wipe out the other existance of the other species.

i am just feeling all that rage and anger again XD
oh well, i have made up my mind to put my problems onto the lord. he will guide me through my path of life, with difficulties ill face it together with him.

my beloved youngest brother experience something today at the hospital. it was pretty unpleasant for him i think.. he said he saw a old man sitting on the second bed and swinging his legs.. well, i would say that thats a ghost, for him to see it i guess his spiritual energy was really too low. my mum prayed for him and it just went. i just hope that that old man rest in peace and not appear to my brother again although it did not harm him. If i had been there with my brother, i'd been praying violently to the lord, so as to chase away the spirit. no spirit should harm my family in any possible way. they face the power of god before anyone else.

in conclusion, the spiritual realm is real, and no one is kidding no one. ghost cannot harm you but they can stalk you. if you trust and follow the lord, nothing bad should befall on you. :)
i trust the lord with all my heart soul and mind.